Billy
Written by Ashley Wells
William Harrison Cianci was born Oct 2003 in Connecticut. He was developing well according to doctors and parents. When Billy was 22 months old, he was diagnosed with Autism. His parents started to do a lot of research, reading, and educating themselves about the diagnosis. Alongside a doctor who specialized in Autism, Billy's parents did diet modification, medication modification, behavioral therapy, speech therapy, and occupational therapy. When Billy started school, the teachers and his parents worked hard to establish a plan for his academic development.
Fast forward to July 2017. Billy's dad lives in Oregon and mom lives in Connecticut. They both talked about Billy's future and the new plan was for Billy to move to Oregon to live with his father Nick in July 2018. When his dad and I talked about Billy moving to Oregon, as a step- mom with adult children, I became scared yet determined to give us as parents an opportunity to develop a relationship with Billy. Both Billy's father, Nick, and I started to look for resources in the community, reading about Autism, and talking to other parents with experience with Autism. We talked to co-workers with OT/PT/Speech T degrees and doctors who could manage his medications. We worked with his mom for over a year to try to make that transition with minimal negative impact to Billy. We began our "nesting" phase. Nick and I dreamed of this wonderful child that would join our family. We prepared his room. We bought the toys, and gadgets that we thought he could enjoy, we made white boards with schedules, pictures, and chores. We bought the specific kind of foods that Billy was used to eating. We child-proofed drawers and closets, and placed alarms on doors for safety. We were skyping regularly and keeping in touch with Billy weekly.
As July 2018 is getting closer, and closer, we are getting more and more excited, and hopeful of a wonderful addition. The time is here, we want to throw him a big welcoming party, but we are concerned of overwhelming him. We want him to know how much we love him and how excited we are to develop a relationship with him. Billy is 14 years old and has arrived to our home. He looks confused. He looks tired. He is not in his environment despite all the preparation we did to make him as comfortable as possible. Billy's mom stayed with him for a week to help us make that transition. During this time, his mom is sad, she is grieving. Billy is home for a month, Nick and I are fighting, we are anxious, we can't sleep well, we are having difficulty communicating. We don't agree with the parenting we are doing. We lost our freedom, we feel like we can't be spontaneous. We have difficulty with Billy's energy, with his biting, and with his meltdowns. We are nervous to take him to the store due to his unpredictable behavior. Our other children are feeling neglected, left out, not important enough. Grandparents are trying to help, but they themselves are scared to do the right thing or to provide the right care for Billy.
Wow, what happened to our ambition, to our excitement, to our "strong bond"? Nick looked overwhelmed and I did not know how to help. I kept yelling at him because he was not doing enough. He looked at me for support that I could not give. We were so caught up in how we were failing each other that we did not stop to look at how wonderful Billy was adjusting. Nick and I sought counseling, not because our marriage was in trouble, but because we needed to find support that we were doing ok. We needed to work out those feeling of denial, acceptance, depression, anger, and bargaining. So here comes the positive side. Nick and I started giving each other Kudos for the small things. Giving each other room to be imperfect.
We started to slow dance in the kitchen again. We slowly started to take the focus off our failures and we started focusing on Billy's progress. We started to accept that these imperfect parents had a perfect child. We started to be consistent with Billy and each other. We were taught in counseling how to paint a picture to Billy about how his day was going to go. He became less anxious and we became less anxious. Billy uses assistive devices to communicate. He signs a few words, but he is so fun. He jokes in his own way. He loves to eat. Lee's mar far chicken with pink sauce is one of his favorite meals. Loves to go for runs, swings and go swimming. He has a PSW (Personal Support Worker) who we adore. She takes him for long car rides and shopping for his own snacks. Billy has accomplished a lot of "firsts".
Our FEATT family provides sensory friendly movies at our local theater. Billy loves the movies and the popcorn. Another "first" is car races/monster trucks. His favorite movies are Fast n the Furious. Our FEATT family has a bounce house at the YMCA. Billy burns a lot of energy and calories at the bounce house. This is a good time to mingle with other parents and show support to one another. He cheers for his classmate at basketball games. His teacher Nate reported to us that Billy has made amazing strides in school. He enjoys his school and classmates. Science class is his favorite subject and running on the track. He is learning to fold laundry and fixing his cereal in the morning. He has gained several pounds and sleeps over 10 hours a night. He is a happy kid. Nick and I are having the most fun being his parents. We keep in contact with his mom, and Billy has a Facebook page where we upload pictures regularly so his friends/family from the east coast can be update of his new life. We are eternally grateful for an opportunity to reconnect with Billy and watch his future unfold.
Nick, Corina, and Billy
